Monday, September 29, 2014

I Miss you Maia

Maia I miss you

Once again the computer had some kind of glitch and the blog that I started did not save and I had to start over.  I have been trying to writing for a month as it has been real busy for us.  Sorry this blog is all over the place and written in no order and I wanted to post it today so Rizza did not have time to edit. Today is Maia's "Angelversary" 1 month since she passed away.

I miss you Maia. I turn on my computer, your picture is my wallpaper, the one where you have 2 pigtails and the yellow rose headband on. (Sorry hard drive is getting fixed so cant post pic)  Your bottom teeth were coming in and you're slobbering a little bit. You're sitting up and with your cute little nose and your big cheeks are right in my face and your eyes and eyebrows are telling me...  " Dad, I am here not too long and not to short. Just right, right when God wants me to enter the gates of heaven and join my sister Marissa. For you dad "I will be with you the rest of your life, as you were there for my whole life." Maia I miss YOU... Your pic is on the refrigerator door, every time I open it or I am in the kitchen I see you and miss you more, but I can not take it down. I do not need a picture to see you because I always do. Maia, I miss listening to your heartbeat, kissing you, feeling your scars, holding your hands, playing with your fingers and toes. Your hair was growing so long it was half way down your back. I miss how wild it could be, how cute, beautiful, curly, straight, Coolio braided out, how sticky it was after the head scan. I miss coming in the morning and smelling your hair after the night nurses, Denise, would give you a spa treatment.
I miss your eyes so inquisitive, strong, happy, loving, thankful. I miss all your facial expressions to for each person that would come to your room and to your bedside, your regulars and the new people. I miss you Maia. I see little kids with their parents and it makes me smile.. Yes, I wish that could be us, but it was not our plan in life, and I know things happen for a reason but it does put a smile on my face, even more when it is a little girl like you, people do not know how blessed they are. Maia you taught me to love more, to stay positive and to keep faith. I did get you
tattoo'd on my left arm. Maia Grace, 8291314 for the day you were born and the day you got your angel wings, under that I get CCCLXV, in Roman numerals is 365, that was the days that we were so blessed with your presence. My tattoo will be with me for the rest of my life just as you will be Maia.
                                                                  
Thank you my brother, Abraham Ortega at
Death Before Dishonor Tattoo in San Jose.


I love you Maia you and your sister Marissa will always
be with me everywhere I go even till the day I die.






Marcus...

This boy amazes me and makes me so proud. The day after Maia got her wings we went to In and Out. His nino Rommel played a joke on him, told Marcus that they were all out of strawberry shakes, and Marcus broke down in tears of sorrow. I took him for a piggy back ride down the street and when he settled down a little we talked, well I asked yes and no questions and he responded. Marcus, are you sad, yes, are you sad because Maia is gone, yes, are you happy she became an angel and is playing with Marissa, yes, do you want to go back to In and Out now, no, want me to keep walking, yes, do you want to walk, no, Marcus we all love Maia and we all miss her, yes daddy me too. Did you like her in the hospital, no, did you like her at home, yes, do you love all the nurses at the hospital, yes. We kept walking and after about a 1/4 mile he was better and then we turned around and I continued to carry him back, asking more questions and talking to him about all the good that happened and all the love that we have for Marissa, Maia and him. He sunk his cheek into my shoulder as we got closer to to In and Out and he told me I love you daddy. After a couple days I thought about what happened and came up with the conclusion that Marcus did not cry because there was no strawberry shakes, which was a joke and he did get one. He cried because the joke was to early after Maia got her wings. What I was thinking is that they ran out of strawberry shakes like Maia ran out of life. I really do not know what he was thinking and we will talk later but we have been cautious on how and what we say and do. Marcus is coming around and talking more. One night when he was about to turn on the shower, he started crying and told Rizza when can I have a little sister, one we can bring home, one we can watch grow. On Thursday at 7:45 pm before bed he wanted to talk about Maia and have a cry session. We did and Marcus felt so much better afterwards. We see have seen it in the past couple days to in his behavior. I did ask him if he sees Marissa and Maia still and he said yes, but changed the subject, so we can talk later as this is going to take us all time to not have so much hurt in our hearts.
We have got a few calls from Marcus school. One we from principal Brady to give her condolences, thank you that was so thoughtful. The next one was to tell us that there was an incident. As parents we have worried about his emotional state and prayed and hoped and have been teaching Marcus the right things in life. Ms. Brady told us that some boys were trying to get Marcus to join there group and he kept saying no, they chased him and kept insisting that he joins the group and continued to say no. Then the boys started to get physical and one of them tried to twist his arm and Marcus tried to get away and then the kid punched Marcus in his eye, and Marcus then slugged the boy in the chest. Principal Brady said that it was not Marcus fault he as trying to do the right thing. We taught Marcus to ask nicely and tell someone to stop, then tell them with a stern voice, then leave the area, all stuff he tried to do. After talking to Marcus his story was the same, he did right, maybe he should of not struck the kid but he did say he only used 30% power. We asked him about this group and what it was and why did you not want to join. He said they meet everyday and he has other friends he wants to play with. Then a few days later we get a call come to find out there was another incident Marcus was in. This time a couple kids from his kindergarten class were rough housing and they were mean about it and Marcus did not want to play anymore and asked them to stop and then told them. His other friend Brady saw what was happening and saw Marcus was getting mad. He said he went over and told the kids to leave Marcus alone and to let him go. When the did not listen he ended up pushing them so they would let go of  Marcus. Brady also said that he was in fear for the kids as if Marcus gets mad he may hurt these kids with his martial arts and then Marcus would be in trouble, thank you Brady for helping your friend and thinking of him in such a big boy way. Sense then all has been good and they all still play together and still have fun. He just went on a play date last week with Brady and those to are good friends. Thank you Heesun for always welcoming Marcus.
Marcus says he misses going to the hospital, not just for bingo. He misses all the nurses and staff, his favorite nurse, the cute one, the one who teaches him the most, tickle monster, and glasses/smooth. The video below is for you glasses/smooth, you know who you are.. lol.



Marcus has always been a SF Giants fan. He has been to many games and now can't wait for the 7th inning stretch so he can sing.


1st Game at 1 1/2


To the AWESOME BIG BROTHER

Thank you SF Giant organization and to
Gail 

Thank you Buster Posey #28

We're going to South Lake Tahoe, thanks to the Miller- Jimenez family. Back with Marissa, Rizza, and I always have wanted to say our peace where we got married. We have been trying for the past couple years to go but, life had other priorities. We have been wanting to go to the spot where we said "I do." We still had Marissa on our minds the first year Marcus started transitional kindergarten, and I was finishing the school semester. I then started work and Rizza worked full-time in San Francisco. Credit cards were all paid off, we started buying new furniture, we actually talked about moving out. Yes, out. Out from under my in-laws' roof that the door has been so kindly open for so long. Moving back from the Central Valley at the time we did was difficult for everyone, businesses, corporations, for the Mead family of three. After recovering from those years, then Marissa, then Maia and the whole time I have been thankful for each day. We are all so ready to go. To get away,  Tahoe, the fresh air, the lake, the trees, we saw hospital walls for so long we need this. To spend time together away from the city. We hope the fires are out or at least the air quality is good when were there. 

Rizza and I are doing good. She will write in the blog soon. I am doing pretty good. Going through all Maia's stuff has not been as hard as I thought it would be, partly because I did not know how much stuff Maia had, all her newborn to 3 months all her 3-6 months, clothes she never got to wear. We did have our favorite clothes Maia wore, and all her headbands we are keeping.  We are giving all her stuff away, to friends and family that have kids that will fit and then we donated the rest of her stuff, and all the stuff she would of used, highchair, car seats, clothes, and toys. She would want us to and we of course want to. Were getting ready to start working again but clearing up a few things before. We both want to work and get our lives back together, our own place. We ended up deciding after watching the news to give all everything to the community of Weed, CA that lost over 100 homes in the fire.

The weekend of the 20th car was all packed with Maia's clothes and stuff she never got to wear or use and a few more bags that were donated during the week (thank you Gosia and family). Then we stared out morning early and drove to French Camp (thank you Jenn)  then Sacramento (thank you Debbie) where we picked up more donations along the way. Onward we made our way to Chico, CA to Anika Burke, http://www.anikaburke.com/  where they have been collecting donations for the people in Weed, CA as they lost over 100 homes. After meeting the owner we found out she was affected directly as she has family members that live in Weed. It was a beautiful day and drive. While looking for parking we saw a farmers market and she suggested, actually recommended we go to the pie cart. We made our way to the cart before getting back on the road for the final part of our trip to Willits, CA.  Okay these pies were the best we ever had in our lives and we have been thinking of a reason to drive back to Chico just to get a whole pie. After leaving and headed out and on our way to Willits.

We made it Willits and mom is real sick so we went on Sunday after church to  the house and visited her. At the Agape Church we met all the wonderful congregation, all the people that joined the Mighty Maia Fight Team and have been praying for us and helping in any way they can. It was nice to finally meet people in person Susanne Pope and everyone. Marcus has been wanting to get up in front of the church and thank everyone. So he thought of what he wanted to say and when it was time I picked him up and he spoke into the mic. (sorry did not get a recording). He thanked everyone and thanked all the kids in VBS.
It turns out mom was so sick, she has now been in the hospital for a week and we have been driving up to Santa Rosa to see her and to cheer her on in her fight for life just as we did with Maia.  Hospitals are nothing new but after being at UCSF Benioff Children's Hospital for a year we got spoiled. As we wrote in many other post they are the best of the best not just in care but in kindness, in professionalism, and the way the hospital is run. The nurses and Dr.s truly care and truly do what they do because they care. Mom has been fighting and slowly getting better, baby steps that is. Sometimes were asked don't you guys ever get a break. I just say it's life and we will be stronger as we grow from all of this. I mean this for everyone, Rizza, Marcus and I and everyone that reads our blog and that we know or have met. That is one of our goals is to show people to always look at the positive. As of today mom is doing better she is out of the ICU and they are talking that she may go home soon. But like Maia baby steps and I know my dad if its a day or a year he will be by her side just as we are..


Something that happened months ago, and one of the reasons I did the Faith video. (go to top and click video link to find videos)
Satan came to me on one of my sleepless nights. He asked me why do you pray, why do you thank, why do you have faith in God, when if he is the all powerful all mighty why doesn't he heal your daughter Maia. I laughed at him and told him to bring it on. I will never stop praying, thanking and I will never loose my faith in God. I said that Marissa is up in heaven and if God chooses to make Maia an angel too then I am honored just as I am honored that he gave us his son, Jesus.

So I was stuck and could not write for a bit. I would sit down, look at the screen and draw a blank. Tonight I am all alone, Marcus is sleeping, Rizza is in Yosemite with her brother, aunt and uncles. I wanted to write and still nothing, then I looked on Facebook and saw this adorable picture of my two nieces,  Lexi and Ely, and I started flowing. (again I added to what I started and the post is all over the place) I started to think that Marissa and Maia are playing in heaven. What I thought about when I saw this pic was Maia will not get to meet these two cuties, not be able to just lay down and read a book with them, not be able to share cousin girl talk, they will never get to go out together. Seeing this pic also makes me so happy and fills my heart with warmth as I know Maia and Marissa are watching over these two, and all their cousins, making sure they are all safe.


Lexi and Ely

I want to also thank Rhea at Le Reve Salon Le Reve Salon for the mommy make over.

Every thing we think, do, try to do, things that work out and things that do not we learn from. We are trying to be the best parents in this situation and any situation we are in weather it is good or bad. We learn from our mistakes so we can do better, we have no ego and we love life. Thank you for following our blog and being on the Mighty Maia Fight Team as we all have a fights in lives, no matter what it may be, as long as we have fun and try our best we know that we are living the best life possible.

2 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear about baby Maia, breaks my heart. I've been following your blog since before she was born via babycenter.com. I am praying for your family during this difficult time. The silver lining is that she is now with her sister in Heaven, where I know you will see her again one day. (((HUGS)))

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    miss you

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